It's the race that doesn't quite stop the nation. Some may think we are referring to the U.S. Elections, whilst the petrol-heads amongst you would prefer we focus on the one that matters: the opening race of The Formula One Grand Prix season in Melbourne, Australia.

It's a tough call. So feeling the need for speed, your politically charged editorial team has the handle on all the election race action.

Continuing our expert coverage of the combined Formula One Grand Prix US Elections Race live from Melbourne, Australia, it's over to your commentators: John Pilger and Noam Chomsky with special comments from Oscar winner Michael Moore.

Over to you guys!

JOHN PILGER
Yes thankyou Cyberista.

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome! To THE most anticipated elections in the free world. Noam Chomsky - you must be excited about this extraordinary event we are about to witness.

NOAM CHOMSKY
John - I'm so exited I'm almost having an apoplexy. Nobody knew quite how the current champion did it.

In the preceding Formula One Grand Prix US Race Elections, GDubya squeezed every last drop he could out of what most commentators considered to be a very poor performing political team. But to everyone's surprise...

JOHN PILGER
(Interrupting)
Including himself! Lets not forget that Noam!

NOAM CHOMSKY
...yes JP a huge surprise. Even to his dear old Dad, Gdubya Snr.

GDubya Jnr roared into the final chicane in Florida all over Al Gore's mirror's like a WMD seeking missile pulling off one of THE political maneuver's of the century.

Awesome display. Awesome talent. We all said: this is a man to watch!

JOHN PILGER
And how right we were Noam - we've been watching ever since. And it hasn't been pretty!

Michael Moore is down trackside.

Michael - you have some special race fans down there. Tell us who ya got Big Fella!

MICHAEL MOORE
John. Noam. Great to be here.

But the excitement I am feeling today as we get underway is nothing, I repeat, nothing compared to that of my special guests shipped in all the way from Australia's premier detention centre's: Woomera and Christmas Island.

NOAM CHOMSKY
Michael don't tell me!

MICHAEL MOORE
It's true Noam!

The Australian Government, in an overwhelming act of generosity, has graciously brought in every single Asylum Seeker from Woomera! AND! Christmas Island! to witness -- the --- great --- race --- first hand!

JOHN PILGER
Someone pulled a few strings, eh, Michael?

MICHAEL MOORE
You betchadoody JP!

Instead of wasting away for an indeterminable amount of time on taxpayer money the Australian Government has placed the lucky Asylum Seekers next to the Qantas Airlines logo at the top of the main straight.

NOAM CHOMSKY
Is that the best view Michael?

MICHAEL MOORE
Noam - it's actually part of a new sponsorship deal.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard felt that the Asylum Seekers were getting so much media attention that it was best they become 'The "Qantas" Asylum Seekers'. Apparently the Qantas people thought that they could open a new niche market with their famous ad from that old Peter Allan standard.

It's been reworked from 'I Still Call Australia Home' to 'I Still Call Anyplace BUT Australia Home'.

JOHN PILGER
That's bound to send out a strong message to anyone planning six months in a leaky boat to Australia, Michael!!

MICHAEL MOORE
You betchadoody JP!

Back to you

JOHN PILGER
Well Noam, that's just awesome.

Instead of watching their life flash before their eyes from behind barbed wire, those lucky Qantas Asylum Seekers can have a few precious hours watching the Formula One Grand Prix action speed by -- from behind the safety of every barrier to entry to Australia!

NOAM CHOMSKY
Indeed JP!

But as we begin the countdown and await the entrance of the drivers -- special mention must be made to those that make this race happen every four years. Without them...

JOHN PILGER
(Interrupting)
Without them nothing would be impossible. Like a free world, eh Noam?!

NOAM CHOMSKY
No JP. I was going to say: without them the corporate boxes would be empty.

JOHN PILGER
And what a tragedy that would be Noam. Where would all those former Iraqi officials serve those long cold beers on a hot desert day?

NOAM CHOMSKY
Its hard to say JP until we refill all the swamps that Saddam drained in the south of Iraq!

(Both laugh)

No JP, this year we have a special contingent trackside made up of all the American companies who have won special contracts to rebuild Iraq.

JOHN PILGER
Michael Moore is trackside. Who ya got with ya Big Fella! Is Corporate America still running from ya?

MICHAEL MOORE
Ohhhh JP you betchyadoody!

I'm trying to get inside the corporate box where US Special Envoy Paul Bremner is currently procrastinating dutifully.

Word has it that Bremner has suspended all meaningful work on handing back control of Iraq to the Iraqi people until Gdubya's got this race in the bag.

NOAM CHOMSKY
Eight months of stalling Michael. He wouldn't get far around the track with that kind of engine performance!

MICHAEL MOORE
Noam you are so right! But I don't think Paul Bremner is planning to wear his official Gap-Safari-Desert-Storm-racing-suit anywhere but within the confines of the immediate area around the bar.

Back to you!

JOHN PILGER
Nice one Michael.

Noam I see preparations being made for the special pre-race entertainment. Who do you see as the main threat to the freedom loving people of this world enjoying this once-in-a-four-year entertainment BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA!

Saddam Hussein? Osama bin Laden?

NOAM CHOMSKY
No JP. Janet Jackson.

JOHN PILGER
Janet Jackson! Of course! Word around the traps was that Paul Horowitz and his merry band of neo-hawks were looking to link Jackson to Bin Laden.

NOAM CHOMSKY
...and there is every chance that may yet happen JP. I wouldn't like...

JOHN PILGER
(Interrupting)
Wouldn't like to be in Jackson's shoes, eh Noamsky! Me neither!

NOAM CHOMSKY
I was gonna say, JP, I wouldn't like to be the wardrobe attendant to Miss Janet Jackson.

JOHN PILGER
Too much silverware, eh Noam? My mistake.

It's time for our final cross to our man trackside. What's happenin' down there trackside Big Fella?!

NOAM CHOMSKY
Hello Micheal Moore...?

JOHN PILGER
Come on Big Fella!

JOHN PILGER
I'm just getting word through ...

Word through we have lost Michael Moore?...

We have lost Michael Moore!

NOAM CHOMSKY
If I'm not mistaken JP I think that's him down there!

JOHN PILGER
Noam you're right. Ladies and Gentleman. A naked Michael Moore is being led away by Special Security Forces from Australia and Poland.

NOAM CHOMSKY
JP I think I see the problem.

Yes word coming through now from Moore's camera crew is that he was detained whilst in pit lane...

JOHN PILGER
(interrupting - for the last time)
Noamsky - apparently Moore was moving from pit crew to pit crew trying to present team bosses with free autographed copies of his book "Stupid White Men"!

NOAM CHOMSKY
(Floors Pilger with a solid backhander)
And on that note it's time for a word from our sponsors.

Back to you in the studio...